This past year since I graduated college has been the most emotional roller-coaster ride of my lifetime thus far. I experienced so much self-doubt, self-sabotage, feelings of worthlessness and self-pity, questioning everything in my life from the ground up. Only recently, I felt like I hit rock bottom. I felt like I had nothing to offer to anybody, I felt like a shell, a ghost in a body just riding out each day trying to find some sort of form in the seemingly formless. Soul-searching was a daily effort, and nothing seemed to be working. I just didn’t know what the hell I wanted to do with my time. I over-thought everything, every situation, every minute I spent doing or not doing. I tried to create a master plan for my life, I tried to create meaning in my days- but ultimately I was forcing all of this.
It wasn’t until I had a complete and utter breakdown one night, and I felt so low, and realized that I had compromised so much of my own happiness and my ability to truly enjoy this period of my life, that the next morning I forced a shift in my attitude. I decided that I would no longer put so much pressure on myself to be perfect. I decided I would put faith in time, consistency, and hard work. I decided to wake up every morning with love in my heart for myself. I have always been good at loving others, but it has taken me a long time to love myself. I decided that I will not let myself waste these beautiful years of my life in depressive patterns of self-pity and inconsolable expectations.
I am in a good place right now. And I want to let anyone know who reads this, anyone that feels that they are in a pit right now, I want to tell you with complete faith that it always gets better. Keep trying.
Started my first day of work today. Kind of felt like the first day of the rest of my life. I’ve felt almost every emotion on the spectrum today, and that’s exactly what I wanted. Excited for growth and change, and I embrace it.
Listen to that little voice as much as possible and before you know it, you’ll be where you need to be. Synchronicity is a powerful force. Sorry for the slow posts. But I’ve been prioritizing more lately, and I’ve got to say I am really feeling the meaning in life lately, and have been for some time. I’ll take meaning over happiness any day. Kempeh’s tunes only add to that meaning. Enjoy.
Back again with a Smunday Chillin’, a Sunday Chillin’ posted on Monday cause colds require an attention toward a familiar flick rather than a creative tick. So I watched old cartoon reruns and vegged out in bed while temporarily hampering my lifelong search for fulfillment by ingratiating the cosmos. Enjoy this short but sweet mix by FloFilz and Wun Two.
The slight smile before the watery eyes, a drip of light cascading from your mind. I feel like I’m dreaming but I can’t sleep cause I’m focused on the seeds of what we’re building here. I’m not one to steer you away, but I’ve gotta say it’s looking pretty great.
Haven’t posted in almost 2 weeks. Been incredibly busy. I don’t see an end in sight for this blog any time soon, but sometimes life gets hectic and the blog isn’t as much of a top priority anymore. It is very dear to me though, and I will always come back. Enjoy this Christmas-y mix by, you guessed it, engelwood.